I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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