I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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