who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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