Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
