Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
