Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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