to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
