if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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