I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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