Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
