its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
