dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was confusing and full of hummus
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
