he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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