paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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