Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
