I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
