Tell her she can't have a vagina
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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