I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
