A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
