Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
