as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
