i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
