I think I won the penis lottery.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
