I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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