I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
