I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
