my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
