one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
