So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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