If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
