Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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