Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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