you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We're not piercing ourselves today.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
