I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
