What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
