I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
