I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
