i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
