I feel like I'm in dance class right now
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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