I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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