I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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