Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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