My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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