Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
