Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
