Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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