i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
