Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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