I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
