Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
