Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
